Shut Up Iris

I'm a big fan of Burn Notice on USA so I watch on Thursday nights sometimes I can stand 'In Plain Sight' and sometimes it's just dumb but I can't watch 'Royal Pains' and I will tell you why. The premise is pretty bad, but not without redeeming qualities. Two jewishy brothers one a doctor the other a pedophile go to the Hamptons after the doctor brother loses his hospital job for grafting the head of a rich white man on Rosie Greer's body. His 'bad boy' in a douchebag sort of way brother then 'helps' him set up a private discreet practice for rich white Hamptons honkies. So you see it's a pretty retarded premise, but retarded can be fun and extremely entertaining, see: anything with Bruce Campbell.



So as far as story Goes Royal Pains has potential. Dying rich white honkies, wise cracking jewish brothers, hip and hot Indian sidekick girl, fake bewbs, the possibilities are practically ten or perhaps twelve plots. Then it all goes wrong, and I think I know why. Actually I KNOW I know why because I'm smarter than anybody who has ever made or produced a TV series. Here is where it falls apart:



The brothers. The Doctor brother isn't really believable as a doctor, and the 'bad-boy' brother isn't bad, he's just creepy, creepy by hitting on anything in the show with tits and taking teen girls back to a hot tub and giving them a rash. I'm not kidding, that actually happened on the show. Neither of them are very funny, nor are they good intense actors. Every scene is either light hearted comedy or tense medical emergency and both of the brothers manage to convey 'meh' no matter what the scene calls for.

Having identified the causative organisms of the 'suck' I also can identify the solution to replace 'suck' with 'not-suck':



Sandy and Raymond Sklar...............wait, what.................I mean Randy and Jason Sklar. You want two jewishy brothers, one cerebral (Jason has glasses, and on TV glasses = smart/doctor)and the other a no rules plays loose and fast hip-hop bad-boy. They are perfect for the show. They easily showed their range on 'Cheap Seats' displaying a shocking ability to go from confused, to angry, to light hearted like it was a Method Actors Guild workshop.



Randy can even rock the 'evil twin' goatee as we can see above. I mean this is just so obvious, Royal Pains was MADE for the Sklar Brothers. They've been on Law & Order and have shown their main stream TV chops, lets do the right thing USA and save Royal Pains and the saviors are Randy and Jason. It's not like they are doing anything. Their website practically screams' homeless' and 'will overact for food'.

Come on USA network, you know I'm right.

Apparently it's to spend more time with their mistresses and young boys. Of course by 'spend time with' I mean 'have hot dirty illicit sex that they have railed against in the past.The one thing about hypocrisy is that it always catches up with you. The Second thing about hypocrisy is that every one is a hypocrite. Today we find out that strong, family values Governor of South Caroline Fred Sanford has been having an affair with an Argentine woman. South American women are hot, but if you're an anti-gay marriage, sanctity of marriage type of person you better make sure that you can keep 'Captain Happy' in his place no matter how many hot Argentinians throw themselves at you.



Making morals the centerpiece of your party and your political career leaves you in a bad position when you finally give into human temptation. I mean it's not that hard to avoid temptation, just because every single human since the beginning of fucking time has engaged in some sort of illicit, yet oh so pleasurable activity, it should be easy for YOU to avoid temptation. Being chaste and godly of the finest moral character then leaves you free. Free to tell the People of the United States that adultery rises to the level of treason and no President who has ever committed adultery should be elected, and if he is, he should be impeached. After that, your career has nowhere to go but having seized the moral high ground by breathing fire on President Clinton's infidelities you should easily be a contender for President in 2012.................whoops...........



Maybe Senator Ensign is a bad example. Surely there must be one high minded individual whose academic pursuits trump libido and has left one free to craft such plans as the 'Contract With America' and spearhead the impeachment against the arch pervert President Lotahrio Clinton and save the chastity of interns every..................where.............fuck.



Good job Newt, sleep with one of your staffers while impeaching the President for getting a blowjob from his fucking intern, way to seize the moral high ground, you and Ensign are a sure fire President-Vice President ticket if I ever saw one! Of course all three of these men will argue, justly, that private infidelities do not reflect on how well they perform their duties. All three, and if you're Newt, will argue, retardedly, that it makes them better equipped not only to perform their public duties but to be the arbiters of 'moral'. That's right, Democrats, Clinton, Spitzer et al............have no business in public life or in public office because of their 'moral short comings' but Republicans can learn from them and be more moral for being amoral. I for one see where this line of bullshit is heading, and that is: Mark Foley for president!



That's right. The Republicans plan is obvious. Desensitize the American People to the immorality in their party that would make the Marquis De Sade jump up and say 'Gentlemen! Some decorum, please!' so that they can jump the shark and elect America's first gay pedophile President. The Democrats apparently have far too much morality for such a devious plan.

So being moral is probably good. Wanting to pass laws or pressure others into being your type of moral is definitely bad. The whole problem is that once you've seized that moral high ground and told everyone else what IS moral, it's a long hard trip back down to earth with the rest of us when you finally realize that you are human and that your life is a lie. That's what cheating, infidelity and being human is all about. Finding yourself somewhere that you thought you wanted to be and then changing your mind.

So here is Billie Piper:



Now, I'm going to the strip club.