Shut Up Iris

Now I'm a big boxing fan, there is nothing better than a boxing match. A good boxing match gives you unparalleled combinations of intelligence, strategy, endurance and punching big gangly Russians in the head until they bleed.



Even a bad boxing match is enjoyable. In a bad boxing match you either get one really good boxer and one clueless homeless guy confused by all the bright lights and it's a quick and brutal knock out which is always enjoyable. The other type of bad is when you get two boxers with equal amounts of suck and then they fight it out like the pair of clowns they are. That is hilarious. Boxing is win-win, you either get an exhilarating exciting match, or a comedy clown fight. The only thing that ruins it are the judges who often appear to think that they are judging a dog-show for the Westminister Kennel Club and are confused by all the punching and sweating.

I say all that because it sounds like MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) would be right up my alley and UFC fights would be on my social schedule permanently. Well I've watched it and it's not. I first watched UFC fights expecting a brawl, men punching and kicking displaying the skills that every fighter does his best to hone, that is the skill of hitting without getting hit. I thought that since the fighters were freer there would be more movement, side to side dodging, brilliant kicks, stunning augmented blocks and displays of martial prowess that boxing because of it's limitations simply could not match. I watched it and got this:



I used to work at a coffee shop and to amuse myself I would use my tips to pay the retarded local kids to fight. That picture accurately depicts how every fight went. I don't get it. You're fighting in a big giant octagon with lots of room, you can kick , punch, bite, spit acid, whatever and you end up doing this:



Now I'm not saying it's a bit, well, you know, I'm just saying that I'm not paying to watch two men engage in a display of 'prison' rape until one 'taps out'. I can understand people wanting to watch a good old bloody smash em' up fight, but I can't understand paying to watch two guys roll around on a bloody canvas for fifteen minutes grabbing and rubbing each other into submission.



Whether the guys on the ground are bloody or not, if I want to see two men who shave their chests rolling around on the ground I'll watch high school wrestling, or run up to Boy's Town in Chicago and just go into any gay bar. So of course you're going to say that I'm calling MMA gay. I don't know that's it gay I just think that you have to have certain tendencies to appreciate the entertainment value of two grown men groping each other into submission. I have no qualms with others indulging their repressed tendencies but it's simply not my cup of tea. The UFC realized that there were people like me and so they now do this:



Again this does nothing for me. First, they aren't naked and second the girl that is 'winning' obviously has no idea how to throw a punch. Girls can't fight, even in women's boxing it's just two chicks flailing at each other with penis envy fueled rage. So ladies, keep your dignity and become a stripper.

I also question any sport where these are an acceptable accoutrement:



I also started digging and found out something else disturbing. UFC fighters are salaried employees. Just like professional wrestlers. For some events they do get a few thousand dollars in bonus money but for the most part they get a set wage. Just take a look for yourself, here and here. Now boxing with all it's flaws still has the thrill of million dollar fights. Boxing still rewards it's greatest by giving them the best venues and the highest reward, that is a life time of financial security unless you work with Don King. I can't imagine that someone would fight their heart out for a fight they have a salary to fight for with no chance for a cut of the purse. Money makes people fight better, and unlike boxing, MMA fighters have to position themselves in the salaried hierarchy to make enough money to quit their job stocking shelves at the Moo & Oink. It seems the rewards of being a UFC fighter, at least the monetary ones, are enjoyed by the UFC and it's owners and the fighters get a fraction of that. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something, but that's how I see it.

As a bonus, here is a picture of David Carradine not masturbating to death.

I really do. Read my previous article on the sad state of American automotive affairs and you'll see I viciously singled out GM's bloated and totally gay product line. That article my friends, is what finally brought GM to it's knees. Now I don't hate GM. Buick is one of my favorite car brands, I love the new Lucerne and have owned a couple of Buicks including my all time indestructible Buick Somerset that I sold in 1995 for $500.00 with 280,000+ miles on it. However GM's record profits a few years ago spawned some of the worst cars ever, Michael Moore may be a big fat douchebag, but he was right about GM. If a fat dipshit like that could see the collapse of the American auto-industry twenty years ago, how could the people in charge of GM miss it? I honestly don't know and don't care. Chrysler and GM are dead, leaving only Ford among the Big Three still standing. I'm glad Chrysler is dead too, mainly because FIAT is buying their shit up and this will hopefully mean that we will get Alfa-Romeo in the US again.



If that happens, I will buy a Brera. I will. So, now that I've singlehandly destroyed GM, let's take a run at Ford. Ford, is also a company that I like. My work car is a Mercury Grand Marquis and I can say without fear of contradiction that is is the most comfortable vehicle to ram things in. It's cheap and easy to maintain, parts for it are everywhere and every mechanic in the world can fix a Ford. However I am pissed at Ford. Why, you ask? You're fucking nosy, you know that. If you must know, it's the Ford Focus RS:



What's wrong with it? Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. It will monster any little rice buring fast-n-furious Mitsubishi Eclipse, Acura TL or any of those cherry bomb pipe, spoiler having Jap-cars that are so popular in the US. Wait, there is a problem with the Focus RS, WE CAN'T GET IT IN AMERICA. Why? Because Ford says that Americans won't buy and don't like small two door coupes. Really? Americans don't like them? Then somebody should tell Honda, Toyota and Mitsubishi and every other sushi smelling jap car company that sells TONS of little two door coupes to every redneck who's seen the fast-n-retardulous. Fuck you Ford. Ford is American, we should ALWAYS get the best Ford has to offer. Fuck you ford for this:



Look at the styling on the Focus RS, now look above at the styling on the Focus four door. Do you see it? This is the styling cue they used on the Focus four door:



Somehow Ford thinks that Americans hate small, aggressively styled performance coupes, but thinks that we instead want to ride around in our grandmothers head all day. Double fuck you Ford. It gets even worse when you see the four door sedan that Ford has been selling in Europe:



Fucking Ford! Ford has the capacity to make awesome looking cars that perform brilliantly and are reliable, and we never see them here in the US. They can even make a Fiesta in Europe that has such good gas mileage and produces so little carbon that it is exempt from emissions taxes! Why, why can't we just have the RS, or the Mondeo, why are we stuck with granny shit-face Focus and trucks and SUV's?? America LOVES cars. In closing I hope that Ford goes bankrupt as well, unless I get to buy a Focus RS. Dirty mother fuckers.

Terrorists, who are they, what do they want, why kill people.................so many questions. There are only two things that are certain about modern day terrorists, First: they are almost universally religious fanatics and B: they have no qualms about killing or dying for their causes.



So, who are they? They are usually poor, ignorant and jobless. The ignorant part is very, very important because you have to be monumentally stupid to listen to someone who tells you to go and blow yourself up 'for the cause' while they wait at home to hear about your martyrdom. Like most shit jobs in life you have to be an idiot to do it and have to have an asshole for a boss.



Now then what do they want? It used to be all terrorists where fighting for a homeland, Zionists killed British and Palestinians to get Israel, the Contra's killed Americans and stuff for El Salvador, Palestinians kill Jews because the Zionists got Israel, the Mujahadeen killed Russians because they wanted them out of Afghanistan...........and so on and so forth. However todays terrorists kills for ideas. They kill for vague ideas and unspecified ideals that they themselves cannot even possibly live by, but which their leaders tell them are obtainable if you're willing to strap just a little more dynamite onto your body. They don't hijack planes for money, they don't want your money, they want you dead. Wait, where do terrorists get their money for all the weapons?

Well, good question. If you are a Muslim terrorist than your money comes primarily from Saudia Arabia. As far back as 2002 the 9/11 commission found direct links to members of the Saudi Royal Family and the 9/11 hijackers and recommended that President Bush do more to pierce the secrecy of the Saudi Royal Family. That was never done, and of course there was a good reason why:



It is also well known that the financial ties between the Saudis and the Taliban and Mujahadeen were in fact enabled by the CIA to fight the Soviets in Afghanistan. Imagine that, of all the things to bite you in the ass giving guns and money to suicidal religious fanatics. Some of us see the problem with that and even some, the 9/11 victims families, see that to stop terrorism stop the money. Makes perfect sense, so take the Saudi Royal Family and government that funds the terrorists to court...................oh shit, here we go again..........



So, despite the fact that 15 of the 19 9/11 hijackers were Saudi, that they were bankrolled by a Saudi millionaire and members of the Saudi Royal Family, our government, the US government says 'no, you can't sue the Saudis.' Smooth move. If anything will assure the Taliban and Al Qaeda continuing the senseless religious war against the US and anyone that shares the planet with them it will the decision to make sure that their backers go unchallenged.

BUT that's not all you get! We also get the Christian Taliban here in the US! Yes right here in America you can get the Christian Fundamentalists that believe so much in the sanctity of life, that they will KILL for it. Seriously. Those fine folks who call Dr. Tiller a 'murderer' and write that he and others like him should be 'stopped' at 'whatever cost', are 'surprised' and 'shocked' that one of their own number would murder him. Bullshit, the entire pro-life movement and it's barely disguised rhetoric are in fact terrorists terrorists intent on killing anyone that cannot rise to their own level of hypocrisy and self-loathing. To be 'pro-life' is to condone terrorism and murder. Just like Osama Bin Laden the Christian Taliban has it's cheerleaders.



Al Qaeda has the television network Al Jazeera, the Christian Taliban has Fox News. Today you can find literally hundreds of thousands of posts on Pro-life message boards praising the murder of Dr. Tiller. Just like after 9/11 when Al Qaeda message boards lit up with praise of the World Trade Center martyrs. Both groups have the same agenda: worship God and base your life on our religious interpretations or die. The Christian Taliban are as transparently murderous as Al Qaeda. If Pro-life groups seriously wanted to stop abortion, they would spend their time and money fighting the root cause of most abortion: poverty. Instead of picketing, attacking and killing abortionists they would seek to intervene with poor or scared mothers and give them a better alternative. However, just like Bin Laden gives us no clear alternatives, the Pro-life Christian Taliban does not either. Once the baby is born to a poor unfit mother, their job is done.



So those are the who's and the why's of terrorism. It's retarded, makes no sense and takes inhuman levels of hypocrisy. The only thing that you have to remember is that it's not just the turbaned guy you need to watch for, it's the allegedly devout Christian coming into your church, or the clean cut white guy. Murderous hypocrisy lives in American just as virulently as it does in the Middle East.



So let's wake up and call bullshit on the alleged 'Pro-Life' movement and hunt them motherfuckers down just like we hunt down Islamic terrorists.