Shut Up Iris

Since I know someone is going to ask 'Why is your eblogs called 'Shut Up Iris' I don't get it.' let me say first, no, you don't get it and how about a double serving of 'shut the fuck up' with hot glass of 'none of your business'. That was rude of me, I could just answer your question, and I will so here it is:

There once was a poorly produced film called 'The Beatniks' starring the incomparable Karen Kadler. It was about 'Beatniks' who were at best petty criminals and there was nothing 'Beat' about them except for what their fathers probably did to them before raping them to sleep every night.

This movie was probably destined to be forgotten until one day a pair of plucky young robots and a sweaty, meaty human were forced to watch it aboard a satellite. So I saw it, on MST3K and like all MST3K fans saw over the rest of the MST3K episodes the bots and Joel or Mike would utter the 'Hero' of 'Beatniks' catch phrase 'Shut up Iris!'.

You see Iris and her fifties style black hair,pointy bewbs and round ass stuffed into a tight skirt was the girlfriend of the film's hero 'Tony' ( at least I think it was Tony, or Troy, or Rowsdower...... I can't recall) and every time Iris said anything Tony would supportively utter 'Shut up Iris'. Of course Tony eventually dumps Iris, hooks up with a bug-eyed bleached blond with a negative bewbage and a flat ass after his 'Beatnik' friend goes on a minor stabbing spree precipitated by shooting a fat bar keep during which the catchphrases 'I shot that fat barkeep!' and 'I'm gonna MOON you man!' were also born.

This load of a movie is one of my favorite MST3K episodes (Just after Danger! Death-Ray! and Secret Agent Super Dragon........................maybe.) and add to that my misogyny and 'Shut Up Iris' seemed like the perfect title for my musings. There, aren't you glad you asked?

Sometimes I get to work and in the course of checking the servers and the backups and telling people to get out of my office I get a chance to read the 'News'. I put 'News' in quotes there because most of the 'News' we see isn't NEWS, that is important current events that affect our lives, but is 'News' that is filler and puff pieces where an idiot reporter finds an equally idiotic moron that has done some something stupid and writes a story about it. Today, I found This: SKorean experts claim to have cloned glowing dogs. Cloning is pretty big news, but they had already cloned regular dogs, but then this Korean jackass whom we'll call Dr. Dong, created 'glowing dogs' and then cloned them.

Of course Dr. Dong says that inserting the fluorescent gene that makes them glow will pave the way for research into Parkinson's and other human genes, but refused to say how, he also doesn't say why cloning the glowing dogs helped with this research leading me to believe that Dr. Dong and his idiot colleagues had a bunch of grant money and simply said 'Why the fuck not, glow in the dark dogs will look good on camera' they were wrong, see the above picture. Medical and scientific research is of course very valuable to helping to cure disease and make our lives easier, but stories like these make me think that some scientists just do shit to fuck around and then when reporters start showing up utter words like 'Parkinsons', 'Cure', 'Significant' and 'Ruppy' to make people think they are helping. To quote Dr. Dong "What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them." which of course they have previously done in earlier dogs without the expensive and time consuming task of cloning involved. Of course maybe they have a next step in mind.

I suspect that Dr. Dong has two possible motives. First, he is Korean and maybe glowing dogs taste better or are easier to cook than non-glowing dogs (Failed experiment = early lunch!) and easier to get on the plate in a blackout. Second, and much more sinister, is that he is creating a master race of dogs that will eventually rule the world.

Again we come back to the point of my first article, that there are certain set of humans that want to be subservient to canine overlords. I mean, come on, being able to lick your own asshole HAS to be a sign of great power. So let's salute Dr. Dong and his fabulous glowing dogs, his refusal to say why it will help and of course the asshole of a 'journalist' that passed up a real news story because beagles are cute.

AIDs, cancer, swineflu and heart disease will take care of themselves now that we can clone glowing dogs.

It's not so much performance or reliability as it was in the eighties and nineties, even though my 1994 Mercury Grand Marquis has basically the same engine as a brand new Ford Mustang, but I digress. It is the bloated production and multiple lines of vehicles, typified by GM's EIGHTY FUCKING SIX models. Now I know you say to yourself '86 models? That's a lot of variety.' No, fucktard, it isn't.

Say you want a pickup truck, okay, GM has GMC, Chevy, Hummer and Cadillac pickup trucks, that's right GM right away has four brands competing with themselves(go ahead, take a look). It's like kissing your sister, and then your other sister and your other sister and then finally having sex with your mom. That's the competition that GM sets up before your hopelessly inbred synapses realize that Toyota and Ford make trucks as well, what if you look at them too............?

GM seemed to never learn that if someone doesn't like a GMC pickup truck, they probably aren't going to like the Chevy either since they are basically the same thing. Now dusting Pontiac is a good start, that's now FIVE FUCKING FOUR DOOR SEDANS that Saturn, Buick, Chevy, Blitzer, Donner, Saab and Cadillac don't have to compete with, go ahead, take a big steamy gawk.

And again, if you don't like the five door Pontiac G3 then you probably aren't going to like the Saturn Astra 5 door either. So now you're saying to yourself 'Why am I still reading this I get the point.' so let's get to the point, let's look at BMW's model lineup. BMW has TEN BASIC MODELS. Holy Jesus Balls how do they make money with only 10 models?

Guess what, it's even less than ten when you take a look and see that the M Series cars are just super-steroid tuned versions of other models. Even counting on all trim options and engine options BMW still only has about thirty to forty trim/engine/machine gun combos, of course if you do the same thing and take into account GM's trim and engine option for each one of their models...................well, let's just say computing that number would cause a blackhole localized in your brain.

So for fear of causing a gravitic anomaly I will sum up: American car companies= bloated/monolithic companies that end up plowing money from sucessful popular brands into horrible, waste of space brands that no one would ever buy.

That is how that works, I'll just sit and wait for GM to offer the role of CEO to save them.

Now it seems there is a new flu pandemic and it's been long overdue, after all the whole 'Bird Flu' thing just didn't pan out like we all expected, I mean it certainly didn't have the ratings of the 'Asian Flu' in 1958, or the wildly popular 'Spanish Flu' of 1918 and of course 'Bird Flu' got absolutely crushed during sweeps by 'American Idol' and so CBS finally canceled it and replaced it with 'Two and a Half Men' which ironically is not only higher rated, but has also claimed more human lives.

So now the NBC has rolled out 'Swine Flu'. The concern here is that 'Swine Flu' is not just killing the elderly and very young children, like the average flu, but it's attacking the healthy, young and attractive. This of course makes it a PANIC!! After all in our heads, we are all healthy, young and attractive and when one of our number dies it's like shooting a chicken in the hen house, the other chickens panic and then just won't lay no eggs.

The media is of course all over it, with one exception:

Alternet has decided that Mexican babies dying of Swine Flu rate lower than pets abandoned by homeless people that were ruined by George 'Dubyah' Bush. Yes folks in America 'Dog=cute' and 'Mexican=so what'. Normally I like Alternet and it's articles which touch on everything relevant from Somalian Pirates to Iraqi Cheese Mines. However I simply refuse to believe that stories about Scooby and Scrappy being kicked out of the 'Mystery Machine' lives up to Alternet's mission:

AlterNet is an award-winning news magazine and online community that creates original journalism and amplifies the best of hundreds of other independent media sources. AlterNet's aim is to inspire action and advocacy on the environment, human rights and civil liberties, social justice, media, health care issues, and more. Since its inception in 1998, AlterNet.org has grown dramatically to keep pace with the public demand for independent news. We provide free online content to millions of readers, serving as a reliable filter, keeping our vast audience well-informed and engaged, helping them to navigate a culture of information overload and providing an alternative to the commercial media onslaught. Our aim is to stimulate, inform, and instigate.


But then again I may be wrong, maybe the homeless animal crises is more important than people dying of 'Swine Flu' and becoming groin eating zombies, maybe the 'Petocaust' (see how I added 'pet' to 'Holocaust', just so you know how terrifying the pet situation actually is!)is all about social justice, human rights and civil liberties?

Maybe there needs to be a Progressive movement that will pressure HRH Lord Protector Obama I to craft a stimulus bill that focuses solely on providing jobs for homeless animals. Maybe Alternet is sounding the alarm that pets are the 'New Americans' and that after housing giving them the vote and allowing them to marry in Idaho are the next logical steps, PETA was right they are our animal equals? If we don't save our pets, they will rise up and DESTROY the USA, just like the South did? Maybe, but maybe most Americans need to grow up and realize that as humans, maybe we should care about and help other humans? Nah.

To paraphrase Homer Simpson, if ONE SINGLE PET is homeless, what sort of country do we live in? Heck, that's not America, that's not even Mexico!