Shut Up Iris

We shouldn't, and I don't but I just wanted to state publicly that I would totally do Bristol Palin.



Having said that abstinence does work IF the abstinancees never have sex. EVER. That's the tricky part especially when you name your son 'Levi Johnstone' which is so close to being a porn actors name that it is a porn actors name if I ever heard one. Teens, are going to do the sex, at least once and then gobs after that 'once' because sex is pretty fun. Well, until of course you get jaded.

SO if you read this Bristol Palin, I'll be your new man, so long as we can sell your baby on the black market (I can get $50,000.00 for a white baby............) so click on the 'contact' link and let me know. Oh and keep your mom away from me, she's one whacked out cunt. Oh and keep your dad away too, the 'First Dude' looks at you like he's jealous that Rock Johnstone knocked you up instead of him.



Someone from Alaska contact me and let know: Does living in Alaska fuck with your brain? Seriously.

Consumer Reports says 'No'. That's good enough for me.

Looks like we have a ton of space left, so let's look at something else: Mercenaries. That's right, mercenaries, oops, I mean 'Security Contractors' because if you call them 'Mercenaries' they are illegal. Now to the point, the United States of America employs anywhere from 30,000 to 90,000 'Security Contractors' in Iraq and one has to wonder why? Why wonder why? Well the United States starting off had a very bad image of the mercenary, we all learned in grade school about how General George Washington fought the dastardly Hessian Mercenaries hired by King George the Third to kill, rape and pillage the colonials and of course to the Hessian Mercenaries there were only two types of colonials, those that were actively fighting you and those that were going to eventually be fighting you and they killed both. This made them extremely unpopular.

Of course the problem was that by the standards of the day the Hessian Mercenaries were exceptionally brutal, in fact all mercenaries in the 1700's were exceptionally brutal. Armies were expected to fight a certain way, take prisoners and act with a modicum of decorum, that is don't pillage, rape or kill anyone unless your commander says it's okay. Mercenaries of the day of course were not so nice, they had no place to send prisoners of war so they killed all the wounded and captured after a battle, their pay was supplemented by explicit permission to pillage and rape and since they were poorly paid they supplemented their pay at every opportunity they could. Ever since man invented warfare, mercenaries were not far behind and were always universally hated.

We should hate them too, just read this article and you'll start to see why. First if we take the example of Triple Canopy 'Security Services' we see that in a year the Defense Department pays them TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY MILLION dollars a year to provide ONE THOUSAND security personnel, now let's say Triple Canopy's cut is a generous 50% that means each mercenary is paid on average $125,000.00 per year. Good for them, you say? Well take a hot steamy look at this! In the same year the average US Army Infantryman made UNDER $40,000.00!

'Wow' you're saying to yourself 'Mercenaries, er Security Contractors must do the most dangerous work in Iraq!' you would think so, but have a look at this next picture:

Now, you see there, it's Paul Bremer, the guy Bush put in charge of Iraq because of his, uhm, nation building expertise? Anyhow see the fat guy with the gun and beard, he is a Blackwater, er sorry, Xe Mercenary, er Security Contactor, now you see the military personnel and state department personnel behind him? He makes more a year than ALL of them. Why are mercenaries guarding US officials instead of say Marines? Well, Marines don't cost enough. Dubyah, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Bremer and Wolfowitz all had the same mindset that 'More money = Better' and so to guard them, our troops aren't good enough because our officials (the same guys that underpay them) want the most expensive, best equipped security in the world, and they know that they don't give our troops the pay , support or equipment they need. Just using mercenaries is a kick in the teeth to our own underpaid, under equipped soldiers and having mercenaries guard our officials sends that message to our troops each and every day.

There are other reasons to hate them too. Besides their ridiculous pay for doing the least dangerous jobs they are not in any chain of command and they do not have to follow the military's rules of engagement and until recently they could not be charged with a crime in Iraq or the United States for breaking the law! So you have heavily equipped , highly paid and heavily armed mercenaries who take orders from practically no one and can't be held accountable for their actions. We know what the outcome is, that is that mercenaries end up only engaging unarmed targets and often times for no apparent reason. Think about it, you get paid whatever you want, it's not your patriotic or legal duty to do anything why would you ever even get tangled up with actual armed insurgents? You wouldn't you'd spend your time shooting civilians that can't shoot back and of course try and cover it up.

Supporting or even being a mercenary is by definition un-patriotic and the United States is one of the few nations in the world where it is legal to hire them, heck where it is legal to BE them. Our nation should not have to stoop to hiring them, if anybody at the Defense Department had half a brain, they'd use the BILLIONS of dollars spent on mercenaries giving pay raises and the proper equipment to our brave troops.

Support our troops.

Since I know someone is going to ask 'Why is your eblogs called 'Shut Up Iris' I don't get it.' let me say first, no, you don't get it and how about a double serving of 'shut the fuck up' with hot glass of 'none of your business'. That was rude of me, I could just answer your question, and I will so here it is:

There once was a poorly produced film called 'The Beatniks' starring the incomparable Karen Kadler. It was about 'Beatniks' who were at best petty criminals and there was nothing 'Beat' about them except for what their fathers probably did to them before raping them to sleep every night.

This movie was probably destined to be forgotten until one day a pair of plucky young robots and a sweaty, meaty human were forced to watch it aboard a satellite. So I saw it, on MST3K and like all MST3K fans saw over the rest of the MST3K episodes the bots and Joel or Mike would utter the 'Hero' of 'Beatniks' catch phrase 'Shut up Iris!'.

You see Iris and her fifties style black hair,pointy bewbs and round ass stuffed into a tight skirt was the girlfriend of the film's hero 'Tony' ( at least I think it was Tony, or Troy, or Rowsdower...... I can't recall) and every time Iris said anything Tony would supportively utter 'Shut up Iris'. Of course Tony eventually dumps Iris, hooks up with a bug-eyed bleached blond with a negative bewbage and a flat ass after his 'Beatnik' friend goes on a minor stabbing spree precipitated by shooting a fat bar keep during which the catchphrases 'I shot that fat barkeep!' and 'I'm gonna MOON you man!' were also born.

This load of a movie is one of my favorite MST3K episodes (Just after Danger! Death-Ray! and Secret Agent Super Dragon........................maybe.) and add to that my misogyny and 'Shut Up Iris' seemed like the perfect title for my musings. There, aren't you glad you asked?

Sometimes I get to work and in the course of checking the servers and the backups and telling people to get out of my office I get a chance to read the 'News'. I put 'News' in quotes there because most of the 'News' we see isn't NEWS, that is important current events that affect our lives, but is 'News' that is filler and puff pieces where an idiot reporter finds an equally idiotic moron that has done some something stupid and writes a story about it. Today, I found This: SKorean experts claim to have cloned glowing dogs. Cloning is pretty big news, but they had already cloned regular dogs, but then this Korean jackass whom we'll call Dr. Dong, created 'glowing dogs' and then cloned them.

Of course Dr. Dong says that inserting the fluorescent gene that makes them glow will pave the way for research into Parkinson's and other human genes, but refused to say how, he also doesn't say why cloning the glowing dogs helped with this research leading me to believe that Dr. Dong and his idiot colleagues had a bunch of grant money and simply said 'Why the fuck not, glow in the dark dogs will look good on camera' they were wrong, see the above picture. Medical and scientific research is of course very valuable to helping to cure disease and make our lives easier, but stories like these make me think that some scientists just do shit to fuck around and then when reporters start showing up utter words like 'Parkinsons', 'Cure', 'Significant' and 'Ruppy' to make people think they are helping. To quote Dr. Dong "What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them." which of course they have previously done in earlier dogs without the expensive and time consuming task of cloning involved. Of course maybe they have a next step in mind.

I suspect that Dr. Dong has two possible motives. First, he is Korean and maybe glowing dogs taste better or are easier to cook than non-glowing dogs (Failed experiment = early lunch!) and easier to get on the plate in a blackout. Second, and much more sinister, is that he is creating a master race of dogs that will eventually rule the world.

Again we come back to the point of my first article, that there are certain set of humans that want to be subservient to canine overlords. I mean, come on, being able to lick your own asshole HAS to be a sign of great power. So let's salute Dr. Dong and his fabulous glowing dogs, his refusal to say why it will help and of course the asshole of a 'journalist' that passed up a real news story because beagles are cute.

AIDs, cancer, swineflu and heart disease will take care of themselves now that we can clone glowing dogs.

It's not so much performance or reliability as it was in the eighties and nineties, even though my 1994 Mercury Grand Marquis has basically the same engine as a brand new Ford Mustang, but I digress. It is the bloated production and multiple lines of vehicles, typified by GM's EIGHTY FUCKING SIX models. Now I know you say to yourself '86 models? That's a lot of variety.' No, fucktard, it isn't.

Say you want a pickup truck, okay, GM has GMC, Chevy, Hummer and Cadillac pickup trucks, that's right GM right away has four brands competing with themselves(go ahead, take a look). It's like kissing your sister, and then your other sister and your other sister and then finally having sex with your mom. That's the competition that GM sets up before your hopelessly inbred synapses realize that Toyota and Ford make trucks as well, what if you look at them too............?

GM seemed to never learn that if someone doesn't like a GMC pickup truck, they probably aren't going to like the Chevy either since they are basically the same thing. Now dusting Pontiac is a good start, that's now FIVE FUCKING FOUR DOOR SEDANS that Saturn, Buick, Chevy, Blitzer, Donner, Saab and Cadillac don't have to compete with, go ahead, take a big steamy gawk.

And again, if you don't like the five door Pontiac G3 then you probably aren't going to like the Saturn Astra 5 door either. So now you're saying to yourself 'Why am I still reading this I get the point.' so let's get to the point, let's look at BMW's model lineup. BMW has TEN BASIC MODELS. Holy Jesus Balls how do they make money with only 10 models?

Guess what, it's even less than ten when you take a look and see that the M Series cars are just super-steroid tuned versions of other models. Even counting on all trim options and engine options BMW still only has about thirty to forty trim/engine/machine gun combos, of course if you do the same thing and take into account GM's trim and engine option for each one of their models...................well, let's just say computing that number would cause a blackhole localized in your brain.

So for fear of causing a gravitic anomaly I will sum up: American car companies= bloated/monolithic companies that end up plowing money from sucessful popular brands into horrible, waste of space brands that no one would ever buy.

That is how that works, I'll just sit and wait for GM to offer the role of CEO to save them.