Shut Up Iris

I'm a big fan of Burn Notice on USA so I watch on Thursday nights sometimes I can stand 'In Plain Sight' and sometimes it's just dumb but I can't watch 'Royal Pains' and I will tell you why. The premise is pretty bad, but not without redeeming qualities. Two jewishy brothers one a doctor the other a pedophile go to the Hamptons after the doctor brother loses his hospital job for grafting the head of a rich white man on Rosie Greer's body. His 'bad boy' in a douchebag sort of way brother then 'helps' him set up a private discreet practice for rich white Hamptons honkies. So you see it's a pretty retarded premise, but retarded can be fun and extremely entertaining, see: anything with Bruce Campbell.



So as far as story Goes Royal Pains has potential. Dying rich white honkies, wise cracking jewish brothers, hip and hot Indian sidekick girl, fake bewbs, the possibilities are practically ten or perhaps twelve plots. Then it all goes wrong, and I think I know why. Actually I KNOW I know why because I'm smarter than anybody who has ever made or produced a TV series. Here is where it falls apart:



The brothers. The Doctor brother isn't really believable as a doctor, and the 'bad-boy' brother isn't bad, he's just creepy, creepy by hitting on anything in the show with tits and taking teen girls back to a hot tub and giving them a rash. I'm not kidding, that actually happened on the show. Neither of them are very funny, nor are they good intense actors. Every scene is either light hearted comedy or tense medical emergency and both of the brothers manage to convey 'meh' no matter what the scene calls for.

Having identified the causative organisms of the 'suck' I also can identify the solution to replace 'suck' with 'not-suck':



Sandy and Raymond Sklar...............wait, what.................I mean Randy and Jason Sklar. You want two jewishy brothers, one cerebral (Jason has glasses, and on TV glasses = smart/doctor)and the other a no rules plays loose and fast hip-hop bad-boy. They are perfect for the show. They easily showed their range on 'Cheap Seats' displaying a shocking ability to go from confused, to angry, to light hearted like it was a Method Actors Guild workshop.



Randy can even rock the 'evil twin' goatee as we can see above. I mean this is just so obvious, Royal Pains was MADE for the Sklar Brothers. They've been on Law & Order and have shown their main stream TV chops, lets do the right thing USA and save Royal Pains and the saviors are Randy and Jason. It's not like they are doing anything. Their website practically screams' homeless' and 'will overact for food'.

Come on USA network, you know I'm right.

Apparently it's to spend more time with their mistresses and young boys. Of course by 'spend time with' I mean 'have hot dirty illicit sex that they have railed against in the past.The one thing about hypocrisy is that it always catches up with you. The Second thing about hypocrisy is that every one is a hypocrite. Today we find out that strong, family values Governor of South Caroline Fred Sanford has been having an affair with an Argentine woman. South American women are hot, but if you're an anti-gay marriage, sanctity of marriage type of person you better make sure that you can keep 'Captain Happy' in his place no matter how many hot Argentinians throw themselves at you.



Making morals the centerpiece of your party and your political career leaves you in a bad position when you finally give into human temptation. I mean it's not that hard to avoid temptation, just because every single human since the beginning of fucking time has engaged in some sort of illicit, yet oh so pleasurable activity, it should be easy for YOU to avoid temptation. Being chaste and godly of the finest moral character then leaves you free. Free to tell the People of the United States that adultery rises to the level of treason and no President who has ever committed adultery should be elected, and if he is, he should be impeached. After that, your career has nowhere to go but having seized the moral high ground by breathing fire on President Clinton's infidelities you should easily be a contender for President in 2012.................whoops...........



Maybe Senator Ensign is a bad example. Surely there must be one high minded individual whose academic pursuits trump libido and has left one free to craft such plans as the 'Contract With America' and spearhead the impeachment against the arch pervert President Lotahrio Clinton and save the chastity of interns every..................where.............fuck.



Good job Newt, sleep with one of your staffers while impeaching the President for getting a blowjob from his fucking intern, way to seize the moral high ground, you and Ensign are a sure fire President-Vice President ticket if I ever saw one! Of course all three of these men will argue, justly, that private infidelities do not reflect on how well they perform their duties. All three, and if you're Newt, will argue, retardedly, that it makes them better equipped not only to perform their public duties but to be the arbiters of 'moral'. That's right, Democrats, Clinton, Spitzer et al............have no business in public life or in public office because of their 'moral short comings' but Republicans can learn from them and be more moral for being amoral. I for one see where this line of bullshit is heading, and that is: Mark Foley for president!



That's right. The Republicans plan is obvious. Desensitize the American People to the immorality in their party that would make the Marquis De Sade jump up and say 'Gentlemen! Some decorum, please!' so that they can jump the shark and elect America's first gay pedophile President. The Democrats apparently have far too much morality for such a devious plan.

So being moral is probably good. Wanting to pass laws or pressure others into being your type of moral is definitely bad. The whole problem is that once you've seized that moral high ground and told everyone else what IS moral, it's a long hard trip back down to earth with the rest of us when you finally realize that you are human and that your life is a lie. That's what cheating, infidelity and being human is all about. Finding yourself somewhere that you thought you wanted to be and then changing your mind.

So here is Billie Piper:



Now, I'm going to the strip club.

Now even someone as jaded as me can't help but to notice what is taking place in Iran. I think it's okay or whatever, you know if that's what Iranians wants to be doing, I got no beef with it. I just hope that Presipickle Obama has the sense to do what we should have done years ago and allow Iranians to decide what sort of government is good for Iran and not give the CIA carte blanche to entangle the United States in with another regime as badly as we were with Shah Pahlavi's murderous regime. I have also looked over dozens of images of the Iranian riots and have noticed something I hadn't noticed before: Iranian chicks are hot.



If all Iranians are that hot then they deserve whatever form of government their pretty, darked haired, exotic eyed hearts desire. I also fully support sending in the US military to help 'find' the votes of these poor, innocent, nubile young ladies and will in fact sign up tomorrow if that becomes our nations solemn mission.

Maybe I've only seen Iranian women in burqha's and simply been biased because they can obviously rock the head scarf as well.



Iranian women are apparently capable of retaining hotness while being loud and shrill.



Looking at these lovely flowers of Persia, I can't see why on earth we in the U.S. of A wouldn't want to be friends with them? I mean European chicks are mostly hairy and smelly and pack on the pounds after you've 'wooed' them, I've been to France and French moo-cows have nothing on these Iranian revolutionary hotties. Sign me up for some sweaty Iranian dissident action. This whole episode can't make me think of one reason why the U.S. of A shouldn't be Iran's number one ally in the world!



Oh, shit. That's why. I move that as soon as Iran elects a hot, young , nubile revolutionary girl that we in the U.S. of A give them all our nuclear weapons. Until then you're on your own cross-eyed jack!

Also, if you are a hot Iranian girl, looking for a green card, click the 'Contact' button in the upper right and let me know.

Now I'm a big boxing fan, there is nothing better than a boxing match. A good boxing match gives you unparalleled combinations of intelligence, strategy, endurance and punching big gangly Russians in the head until they bleed.



Even a bad boxing match is enjoyable. In a bad boxing match you either get one really good boxer and one clueless homeless guy confused by all the bright lights and it's a quick and brutal knock out which is always enjoyable. The other type of bad is when you get two boxers with equal amounts of suck and then they fight it out like the pair of clowns they are. That is hilarious. Boxing is win-win, you either get an exhilarating exciting match, or a comedy clown fight. The only thing that ruins it are the judges who often appear to think that they are judging a dog-show for the Westminister Kennel Club and are confused by all the punching and sweating.

I say all that because it sounds like MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) would be right up my alley and UFC fights would be on my social schedule permanently. Well I've watched it and it's not. I first watched UFC fights expecting a brawl, men punching and kicking displaying the skills that every fighter does his best to hone, that is the skill of hitting without getting hit. I thought that since the fighters were freer there would be more movement, side to side dodging, brilliant kicks, stunning augmented blocks and displays of martial prowess that boxing because of it's limitations simply could not match. I watched it and got this:



I used to work at a coffee shop and to amuse myself I would use my tips to pay the retarded local kids to fight. That picture accurately depicts how every fight went. I don't get it. You're fighting in a big giant octagon with lots of room, you can kick , punch, bite, spit acid, whatever and you end up doing this:



Now I'm not saying it's a bit, well, you know, I'm just saying that I'm not paying to watch two men engage in a display of 'prison' rape until one 'taps out'. I can understand people wanting to watch a good old bloody smash em' up fight, but I can't understand paying to watch two guys roll around on a bloody canvas for fifteen minutes grabbing and rubbing each other into submission.



Whether the guys on the ground are bloody or not, if I want to see two men who shave their chests rolling around on the ground I'll watch high school wrestling, or run up to Boy's Town in Chicago and just go into any gay bar. So of course you're going to say that I'm calling MMA gay. I don't know that's it gay I just think that you have to have certain tendencies to appreciate the entertainment value of two grown men groping each other into submission. I have no qualms with others indulging their repressed tendencies but it's simply not my cup of tea. The UFC realized that there were people like me and so they now do this:



Again this does nothing for me. First, they aren't naked and second the girl that is 'winning' obviously has no idea how to throw a punch. Girls can't fight, even in women's boxing it's just two chicks flailing at each other with penis envy fueled rage. So ladies, keep your dignity and become a stripper.

I also question any sport where these are an acceptable accoutrement:



I also started digging and found out something else disturbing. UFC fighters are salaried employees. Just like professional wrestlers. For some events they do get a few thousand dollars in bonus money but for the most part they get a set wage. Just take a look for yourself, here and here. Now boxing with all it's flaws still has the thrill of million dollar fights. Boxing still rewards it's greatest by giving them the best venues and the highest reward, that is a life time of financial security unless you work with Don King. I can't imagine that someone would fight their heart out for a fight they have a salary to fight for with no chance for a cut of the purse. Money makes people fight better, and unlike boxing, MMA fighters have to position themselves in the salaried hierarchy to make enough money to quit their job stocking shelves at the Moo & Oink. It seems the rewards of being a UFC fighter, at least the monetary ones, are enjoyed by the UFC and it's owners and the fighters get a fraction of that. I don't know, maybe I'm missing something, but that's how I see it.

As a bonus, here is a picture of David Carradine not masturbating to death.